Over the Garden Fence, and Who Alice Met There
by Ratin8tor
Summary: Where I take my philophical lectures and turn them into a very bad Alice in Wonderland fan fic to try and better understand it  and then probably re-write it properly at the end of theyear when I know what I'm actually writing about .
1. Chapter 1: The Two Monkeys

Over the Garden Fence, and Who Alice Met There Chapter 1: The Two Monkeys.

Alice was working hard in the garden to pull the weeds out of the flowerbed. It was a hot Summer's day; and she desperately wanted a drink in the shade. But her older sister had instructed that she do it, so she had no choice. But as the hot sun pressed on she felt herself struggling to stay awake.

Suddenly a small black cat darted across her line of vision, leaving tiny little paw prints in the flowerbed. Alice scowled in annoyance.

"Oh now look what you've done Kitty," she said. "You've messed up the flower bed. Get back here and apologies at once." Kitty, somehow sensing that he was in the doghouse, took off in a flash. With a quick hop and a bounce he'd climbed up the tree and over the fence.

Alice let out another scowl of annoyance and chased after him. She so hated it when the cats ran away from her when she was talking. It was so rude. She paused briefly to wonder whether climbing trees was the Proper Thing for little girls to do.

"But if I wasn't a little girl, but a little boy, then I can climb as many trees as I like," she thought. "So if anyone finds me I'll just tell them I'm a little boy and that I'm allowed to climb trees. Besides, rules can be broken when you're doing a good deed." With her mind made up she climbed up the tree and over the fence, nimbly dropping down onto the other side.

She'd never gone over the fence before, for it bordered a large forest. However Kitty wouldn't have gotten far, the little bell on his collar giving his position away. But no matter how fast she tried to run, Kitty would somehow always be ahead. Soon she was quite out of breath, straining to hear the bell that was slowly getting fainter. It sounded like it was coming from all around her.

"Oh come now Kitty," she said. "This is most rude of you. You can't walk away from someone when they're talking."

"Quite right," said a voice. Alice turned to see that there was a monkey hanging from a nearby tree. She'd seen a monkey when her parents had taken her to the zoo, but this one was certainly quite different. For one it was wearing a waistcoat. Another was the top hat on its head.

"Why hello there," said Alice, politely curtsying. "What is your name?"

"I am the body of the Monkey," said the Monkey. "And I'm sure you'll want to meet my Mind."

"I very much would," said Alice curiously. She'd never meet a Mind before, let alone a monkey's. The Monkey smiled and raised it's top hat, to reveal a very furry head. However there didn't seem to be anything there.

"I'm afraid I can't see your Mind," said Alice.

"Of course not," said the Monkey. "You can't see something that isn't there. That'd just be silly."

"So where is he?"

"Why, he's there of course?" Alice's brow furrowed in confusion. How could something be there and yet not be there?

"It is quite simple," said the Monkey, swinging to another tree. "There are material things in the world that are physical, are there not? Like you and me and bananas, yes?"

"Yes," agreed Alice, since it made sense.

"Well there are also mental things that aren't physical, that have to do with spirits. Like your soul, or my Mind."

"Well I suppose so," said Alice. "I've never seen my soul."

"Well why would you? It doesn't physically exist, thus you can't see or feel it. But it's still there."

"It is? Why?"

"Because I say that it is. And I'd be mad if I didn't have my Mind."

"Oh, so what does your Mind do?" asked Alice politely.

"Do? It does nothing? It can't do anything, can it. If it could, then it'd be physical."

"So your Mind can't do anything physical?"

"Correct. It's a good thing my body can do all the mental stuff that's needed."

"Then why do you think your Mind exists?" said Alice.

"Because it does. And it effects me."

"But you said that your Mind couldn't effect you."

"Of course it does. It just does so in non-physical ways so you can't detect that it does it."

"That doesn't prove whether it's real or not though," argued Alice. "How can you say that your Mind does things to your body, but you can't see how it does it. How do you know it isn't your body that does it and your Mind does nothing?"

"Well I don't see why you're getting so upset," said the Monkey. "It's not like you exist."

"What?" said Alice. "Of course I exist."

"Really? You could just be a figment of my imagination. I don't see your Mind, how do I know you have one?"

"I have a Mind. It's in my head."

"Really? How cramp it must be in there. At least my hat is big enough to contain it. But how do I know you're actually thinking?"

"Because I say I am," said Alice angrily. She was starting to find this whole conversation rather silly.

"Ah, but you might just be saying that because I think that's what you should say. You can't prove to me that you aren't a figment of my imagination."

"Well you might be a figment of mine," said Alice. "I find it very hard to believe that a waistcoat-wearing Monkey could be walking about."  
>"And I find it very hard to believe a young girl is walking around my home. Why would a young girl come here? It's positively mad."<p>

"I'm here to find my lost cat," said Alice.

"Well I'm afraid I haven't seen it," said the Monkey. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm running late." He was about to leave, but stopped and turned back.

"Where did you say you kept your Mind?" he asked.

"In my brain," said Alice.

"I see. And what happens in your brain gets damaged?"

"I don't know," admitted Alice. "I assume that if I lost half my brain I could only remember half of what I need to. Why do you ask?"

"Well perhaps when the brain gets damaged, the Mind has to learn to work with the lesser tools. Like how you have to learn how to use a typewriter that has no 'h' key, so you avoid using words that have a 'h' in them. The Mind compensates for the amount of physical effects it can influence."

"Well I'll keep that in mind," said Alice.

"Oh, I'm very sure you will," grinned the Monkey before swinging away, leaving Alice all alone.

"What a very silly Monkey," thought Alice. "Thinking that things aren't real could do real things. Now, where did Kitty go."


	2. Chapter 2: The Mad Tinker & The Computer

"Kitty," called Alice, continuing on her way. The forest seemed to be getting thicker, the trees getting closer together. However she was a brave girl and her cat needed her, so she continued on her way.

It wasn't long before she found herself in a small clearing. It was almost empty, save for the little man sitting on a toad stool. He was about half the size of Alice, which made him quite small indeed. Alice went over to see what he was doing.

He seemed to be busy punching buttons on a long thin piece of... well Alice didn't quite know what it was. It wasn't something she'd seen much of, but she'd heard the name. Plastic, that's what they said it was called.

"Good afternoon," she said to the little man, who said nothing. He let out a growl of frustration and hit the long thing piece of plastic that had all the buttons on it.

"Blasted contraption," he snarled.

"What are you trying to do?" inquired Alice, forgetting momentarily that good girls were meant to be seen but not heard.

"Is it not obvious," snarled the little man.

"I'm rather afraid it's not," admitted Alice.

"Then you are a very stupid girl, aren't you," snapped the man. "If one can not see the obvious then one shouldn't be given the luxury of looking."

"Well I've never seen it before," replied Alice in a huff. "How am I suppose to know what it is?"

"It is my greatest invention," said the little man. "It is a computer."

"A computer?" said Alice in amazement. Anything that had an unknown name had to be something of interest indeed. "What does it do?"

"Well," said the little man. "It computes."

"I see," said Alice, although it was still quite foggy to her. "So why are you unhappy with it?"

"I'm trying to conduct a test."

"What sort of test?"

"I want to see if the machine can convince me it's alive."

"Oh. Is it alive?"

"Is it alive?" said the little man in disbelief. "Of course it isn't, you stupid girl. If it was alive I wouldn't have to test it."

"But how do you know it's alive then?"

"That's the point of the test. Look, sit here." He got off the toad stool and beckoned Alice to sit down on it. Alice politely obliged, although the stool was rather too small for her. She sat there, not quite sure what she was meant to do.

"Well," he said. "Go ahead."

"Go where?" asked a puzzled Alice.

"Say hi to it."

"Hello?" said Alice cheerfully, trying to curtsey while sitting down and failing miserably.

"No, type something," said the little man, pointing in front of Alice. "On the keyboard."

"Okay," said Alice. She'd had experiences with typewriters, so a keyboard couldn't be that hard. She typed in "Hello", careful not to misspell in case the entire device had to be thrown away.

"How are you," was the reply on the boxed window in front of her, below her Hello. Alice paused for a moment, before typing :I am looking for my cat, Kitty. Have you seen it?"

"No I haven't seen your cat." was its reply.

"Oh, that's a shame," typed Alice.

"Yes, yes it is."

"Do you think it's human?" asked the little man.

"I don't know," admitted Alice. "It certainly doesn't look human. I better ask it." Carefully she typed "Are you human", which was met with a "Yes".

"It says that it's human," said Alice. "But I don't see how a human could fit inside this device." She asked the device if there was a little human inside it, but it replied no.

"But it's not a human, it's a computer program," insisted the little man.

"Are you a computer program?" typed Alice, which was met with a "No, are you?"

"No, I'm a little girl called Alice." Said Alice.

"About?" was the reply. Alice was thoroughly confused.

"About what?"

"You just told me you want me to learn. I asked you want do you want me to learn about."

"I'm afraid you're confusing me."

"I know I am."

"Well that's very rude of you," typed Alice hotly.

"No it's rude that you say smething about, what isn't true."

"I never said anything that wasn't true."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't!" typed Alice angrily. She was thinking that it was a very silly machine.

"Yes you did with me."

"You see the problem?" said the little man.

"Yes, the machine is very silly."

"No, it's not that. It's clear that it's not a human that you're talking to."

"I'd hope not. I'd hate to meet someone so ghastly."

"But that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to create a machine that talks so much like a human that it'll fool people. _A computer would deserve to be called intelligent if it could deceive a human into believing that it was human."_

_"But you know that you're talking to a computer," pointed out Alice._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Well, no matter what you do to it, you'll always know that it's a computer."_

_"I suppose so," admitted the little man._

_"Surely that makes it impossible for you to be tricked since you already know?"_

_"I suppose you're right," said the little man miserably. Suddenly a smile crept across his face. "Unless I make myself forget that I'm talking to a machine. Then it'd be perfect."_

_"You can forget that?" inquired Alice inquisitively._

_"I can do what?"_

_"Forget that it's a machine."_

_"What's a machine?"_

_"This thing," she said, pointing to the machine in front of her._

_"Oh is that a machine," said the little man. "I wonder what it does."_

_"Well you type here and it replies."_

_"Oh that's very clever. Is there a little man inside of it?"_

_"No?" replied Alice. She wasn't too sure any more; and she was pretty sure she should be on her way. "You haven't seen my cat, have you?"_

_"That depends," said the little man. "What's a cat?"_


	3. Chapter 3: The Tiger and the Lion

Over the Garden Fence, and Who Alice Met There Chapter 3 The Tiger And The Lion

Leaving the man to do his work Alice continued on her way, wandering through the dark woods. It was indeed very dark, with the trees packed so closely together. But as she continued to walk she managed to find yet another clearing.

As she entered it she found a Lion and a Tiger locked in a fierce argument, often talking over each other and not allowing the other speak.

"I say that all humans are naturally selfish," said the Tiger.

"And I say that all humans are naturally good," replied the Lion.

"Hello," interrupted Alice. "I'm looking for my cat. I don't suppose you've seen it?"

"Of course not," said the Tiger dismissively.

"I'm afraid not," said the Lion. "But while you're here can you help settle a discussion?"

"I'm not sure," said Alice, since it seemed to be getting very late.

"Yes, you can help prove my friend here wrong," said the Tiger. "He thinks people are naturally good."

"And he thinks that humans are naturally selfish," said the Lion.

"I'm afraid I can't argue either way," said Alice.

"Well I'll let my esteem friend start," said the Lion.

"Just a selfish ploy to make your argument seem better in the long run," sneered the Tiger. "Humans are naturally selfish. All they want is their selfish needs fulfilled. Everything that you do is for selfish benefit. Tell me, what are you doing right now?"

"Trying to find my cat," said Alice.

"Ah, are you trying to find it out of fear for its safety?" said the Tiger. "Or are you doing it for the selfish reason that you don't want to be punished?"

"Why wouldn't I want my cat safe?" asked Alice innocently.

"Because it's a purely selfish reaction. You don't want to suffer the consequences of losing your cat, even if it's just the feeling of sadness. How about every time you help someone. You only help someone because it makes you feel good. If you didn't feel good then you wouldn't help them. Thus there is no selfless act."

"Oh tish-tosh," said the Lion. "Are you saying that if you left man on an island by himself he'll become cruel and selfish? It's far more likely that everyone is born good, but end up doing evil things due to the environment they find themselves in. They get influenced to do evil. Otherwise why would evil people do good things without any reason to do it because their evil?"

"Because it makes them feel good, you fool," snapped the Tiger. "That's why we should have a Leviathan in charge."

"A Leviathan?" asked Alice.

"Yes," said the Tiger proudly. "Lets say both men want the last slice of cake. They'd fight each other to the death over it. However in order for them to live peacefully the both have to give up their right to the cake. Naturally to stop them from fighting we need a ruling party to have complete control over them. That way they wouldn't want to rebel."

"Oh like that's going to do any good," said the Lion. "Why would people willingly give up their rights to a higher power? If they're as selfish as you say, they're not going to want to do it."

"Well naturally they'd be forced to," said the Tiger, and the two were arguing again. Alice decided that they weren't paying attention to her and decided to go continue her search for Kitty. They both seemed to have rather silly ideas. No one is born evil, no one is born good. Everyone is born and then make up their own minds later on. Still, at least they seemed to have fun arguing.


	4. Chapter 4: The Hunting of the Snark

Alice was starting to wonder if she'll ever find her way out of the woods when she suddenly found herself on the edge of it. The wood was gone, replaced with a large meadow.

"Oh I'll never find Kitty now," she pouted. She turned around only to find herself staring down the barrel of a gun.

"Are you a Snark?" said the man holding the gun.

"I don't think so," said Alice. "I'm a little girl."

"Well you certainly look like one," said the man, narrowing his gaze. "But how can I be sure?"

"Because I say I am."

"Oh why didn't you say so," said the man, lowering the gun. "You can't be too careful with these Snarks you see. Cunning little things."

"Well, what do they look like?" asked Alice.

"No one knows," said the man.

"If no one knows what it looks like, then how would you know if you find it?"

"Well," said the man slowly, waving his gun around to show how his thoughts were currently milling about.

"In fact, how do you know that it exists?"

"Because I think it does."

"Oh?"

"Well think about it. The Snark is the greatest trophy that can ever be conceived. If you can catch a Snark then you'll be known as the greatest hunter to ever live."

"But no one knows if it actually exists."

"So either the the Snark exists in the understanding alone, or exists in both the understanding and the reality. But if the Snark only existed in my head, and the Snark is the greatest trophy ever, then I can think of a far better trophy. Namely, a Snark that exists in both my head and in reality. So the Snark can't just exist in my understanding alone, but in both my and head and in reality. Therefore the Snark must exist."

"Well that seems like a very silly argument," said Alice.

"Silly? Why would you think that?"

"Because surely anything you can think that is the greatest would then exist."

"Well of course it does. Hence why there's all sorts of perfect things out there."

"But surely the greatest trophy would be a trophy that impossible to catch?"

"What are you on about girl," roared the man.

"Well I think that the greatest Snark is a Snark that can never be caught or seen," explained Alice. "That way, people aren't sure it exists. And if people don't know it exists, then they won't try to hunt it. And if they don't try to hunt it, then the Snark will be freed from being hunted."

"Yes but who cares what you think," sneered the man. "You're just a little girl, and in my experience little girls aren't that good at being hunters."

"But what about-" began Alice, but the Hunter cut her off.

"See her young lady. It exists because it has the properties of existing. It has the attributes assigned to it; and one of those attributes is that it exists."

"What are attributes?" asked Alice. She wasn't sure if she liked this man, since he seemed to be quite rude.

"You know," said the Hunter. "That they're red, or tall, or round. Characteristics you assign something. For example, all guns have a trigger; and all little girls should be seen and not heard. That is a characteristic assigned to all things under that name."

"But surely existence couldn't be an attribute," argued Alice. "You can't assign attributes to something that doesn't exist, so it'd need to exist to be assigned attributes. Thus how can you assign attributes to Snarks if you don't know if they exist."

"Well I don't have time for this," sneered the Hunter. "The Snark could be anywhere, but it is most certainly not here." And with that he strode confidently into the forest.

"Oh bother," said Alice afterwards. "I forgot to ask him about Kitty. Oh it feels like I'll never find that blasted cat."


End file.
